2009-06-24 at 10:41 p.m.
china, all the way to new york
NG has been pulling away emotionally for awhile. he has been doing it so gradually that i didn't really notice until recently. first it was not wanting me to spend the night anymore and now it's not wanting to spend as much time with me. this became blatantly obvious when at 11:30pm on a saturday he told me in the nicest voice imaginable "i'm done. i just want to be alone and maybe read." of course this led to an almost 2 hour conversation and then some awesome sex. at least i got the sex.
the point is that i am finally seeing how much he's pushed himself away. he told me he just needs his space and he just doesn't want to see me all of the time like he did in the beginning. and while i know things cool down, it's only been 6 months. the reality is that this is his way of dealing with my leaving. and it sucks. i don't blame him. don't get me wrong, i totally understand why he's doing it. but it hurts like fucking hell. when we're together it's great and almost feels normal. but we are definitely seeing each other less and that's all him. it started to feel different awhile ago but i didn't really want to deal with it. because it was so good in the beginning. those first 3 months, before i found out about texas, were amazing. it was just so easy and so fun almost immediately. and when i think about that, i get so sad. because the problems we've dealt with, there's no way to know if they would have happened anyway. i try not to play that game but i can't help it. maybe things would still be just as great if i had never gotten that phone call. if i wasn't moving away.
and i'm so angry about it. i haven't really been able to just be angry about it because it's what i wanted. it's what i worked for over 2 years to achieve. but i am so angry about this situation. i am so pissed that i fell in love with someone and feel so much for him and then have to leave. i think about one of the best days of my life and how it was just perfect from beginning to end. and it was exactly a week before i found out. i remember that last weekend before i found out and how it was happy and normal and how that one phone call changed everything. and i remember that i was sad when i thought i wasn't going to grad school but i was relieved too because i wouldn't have to leave him. i have been so much more miserable since learning i was accepted.
and of course that doesn't mean i won't go. i am not that stupid. but i just wish i had never gotten in in the first place. and i'm ashamed of the fact that i wish that. but it's the truth. i would give anything to go back to that perfect day. when it was just the two of us from beginning to end and we were happy. and there was this immense and fantastic potential for us in the future instead of this impending end. when there were no questions, just being happy in the moment. we don't seem to feel that as much anymore. there is this cloud above us that i can't seem to shake. we try to pretend it's not there but it is. and i'm fucking angry! i fully realized that tonight. i have been sad and upset and worried and hopeful but i haven't really dealt with how angry this situation makes me. and i know it's no one's fault but i blame getting in to school. if that hadn't happened, i wouldn't be feeling this way.
i know it's stupid. and that's one of the reasons i've avoided dealing with it for so long. i should be happy and i should be excited and i should be relieved that i was able to accomplish this. but i'm not. i'm so upset about this relationship that i am not appreciating this awesome achievement. and that makes me even angrier because i should be appreciating it! i should be focusing on this accomplishment and feel excited about my future. but i'm not and i don't. i just want to go back in time and what? i mean really, i can't change anything other than accepting the spot. which i would never change. so i guess even that doesn't make sense. i guess the only thing to do would be not get involved in the first place and i would never want to do that. as much as this hurts.
i just wish there was some way to make this situation work. and there just isn't. i wish i could pull away emotionally like he has. but i just can't. i'm an all or nothing kind of person and if i'm in this, i'm in it. it hurts every time i feel him farther and farther away. and as he wants to spend less and less time with me i am going to feel like shit. but when we're together i will enjoy that time because it's all i've got. my friends and family will always be there but this is all the time i get with him. once it's over, that's it. and as much as this hurts, i am not willing to give up what little time we have left.
i literally, just this second, got this text from him, "hey babe, just hangin out and thinkin about you." i just cried harder. fuck this is hard. i almost wished i believed in god or destiny because i would really like to know the reason for this. of course, i don't believe there is a reason, this just happened because life happens. and sometimes life hurts.
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